Dear Betty Crocker:
I am writing to you because I am extremely concerned. You see, I’m an anti-confectionist. We believe that desserts and other assorted “goodies” as they’re called are bad for you. I belong to an anti-confectionist group called “Desserts are the Devil,” not to be confused with our sister group “Éclairs are Evil.” It’s our mission to get rid of the evil more commonly referred to as desserts.
So you can imagine my horror every time I make a trip to the grocery store. I turn around and there they are – boxes of mixes for cakes and other desserts staring me in the face. I can’t get away from it. It’s Betty Crocker this and Betty Crocker that. Basically, what I’m saying is:
STOP FORCING YOUR DESSERTS ON ME!
As an American, I have a right to go out of my house and not be confronted by this glucose-filled garbage. I shouldn’t have to face it or see it or deal with it. It’s a violation of my constitutional rights. And don’t even get me started on bakeries – or as we call them “houses of evil.”
I was in a restaurant recently and after I had finished my meal, the waiter had the audacity to ask me if I wanted some dessert. I immediately petitioned the restaurant manager to suspend the waiter and of course, he lost his tip. I don’t put up with saccharine-speaking in my presence.
Betty, what I’m saying is if you like desserts and sweets, that’s fine. But keep them to yourself. Stop forcing others to share in your eating habits by putting them out on public display. I’m tired of having cake and cookies shoved down my throat every time I go to the store.
You can be sure that we at “Desserts are the Devil” will not rest until every box of cake mix, every cookie, every carton of ice cream, every sugar-laden sweet known to man is removed from the shelves of stores.
We have a right to exist without offense you know. And we will not stop fighting for our rights. You have been warned. Remove your products from store shelves or face a sugar-rush of swift justice from us!
Sour on Saccharine